Paul Blart [Kevin James] is an overweight mall cop with hypoglycaemia – meaning that when his blood sugar level dips he drops asleep. Paul has been trying to become an official police officer for numerous years, but has been unable to do so due to his condition. On Black Friday the mall has been taken over by thieves and Paul Blart is the only one willing to stay and save the hostages and the mall.

Now here is a painfully obvious spoof of the 1988 action classic Die Hard. The first question I have to ask “where is my muthafucka???”. I’ve been a minor fan of Kevin James’ comedy from when he was doing his TV show The King of Queens, and even though it was very obvious from the trailers that this movie was not going to be good I had some hope that it could be entertaining in a guilty fashion. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, but at the same time I can say it didn’t disappoint since it kept the same level of unfunny throughout the film that you got from the trailer.

Kevin James is possibly the only ‘good’ factor of the film. At certain moments seeing him do/say some the things he does/says in the movie with that straight face could, at moments, make me chuckle. However otherwise the entire film was a complete waste and I think the only thing that allowed the movie to be saved from me being ready to call it the worst movie of 2009 already is that I didn’t expect much more than what I did get.

One of my biggest problems with this movie has to be the villains. As seen in the trailer the villains are running around the mall using bikes and skateboards and they all know some awesome free-running moves. What annoys me about this is there is never a reason for them to be doing this; it is just gratuitous awesome that annoys me. And then all these henchmen who can do these great moves and end up getting their ass handed to them by this fat man on a Segway just because he’s fat. Since mentally challenged people were offended at something like Tropic Thunder last year, I think all fat people need to be offended by this movie.

Another horrible actor in the movie is Keir O’Donnell, who plays Veck, who was also in Pathology which was a film that honestly surprised me but at the same time he was the worst part of that movie as well. He just took the role to a notch higher than we needed it to be, making the movie even cheesier than you could ever imagine for this movie to be.

So after all I’ve said all I want to ask you – the reader – is why did this movie win in the box office in the US two weeks running? And how has it been able to make a little more than US$83 Million over a period of 17 days? The only reason I can come up with is that this movie was released in the theatrical hell that is known as January.

Overall I have to say that this movie isn’t worth a DVD rental when it hits your local shop. The best I can say is that if you are seriously bored – i.e. someone has you tied to a chair in a dark room with the TV on in front of you with your eyes forced open like in Clockwork Orange – and there is absolutely no other choice for you to be doing during the 90 minute runtime.

IMDB says 5.4/10

Rotten Tomatoes says 27%

I say 3.0/10