Here I am again to anger fanboys and let you know what my WORST FILMS OF 2009 are.

It has been a long year and after many strong drinks I have done my darndest to try and forget these movies.  Alast no matter how many times I rewatch Inglorious Basterds, District 9 or (500)Days of Summer I can’t seem to get these movies out of my head. You ask what these vile things are that would make anyone contemplate suicide… well:

TEN – Armored

Here is a case of a movie that was pushed by star power.  The production company went and signed names such as Jean Reno, Matt Dillion and Laurence Fishurne and said “what can make them all do together? Oh YEAH! I’ll make them attempt the stupidest robbery ever attempted on screen.”  The film is predictable and really just a waste of your time. (review)

NINE – Couples Retreat

Jon Favreau takes a holiday break with his friend Vince Vaughn to go to couples hell in one of the blandest comedies you’ll watch all year.  I don’t even know why they did this other than to shoot the shit with a couple of old friends.  Vince can’t be a really good friend if he let Favreau do this, because I real friend would realise how dumb the idea is and tell him to stop and go make good movies (like the upcoming 2010 film Iron Man 2).  (review)

EIGHT – The International

Yes we know that action scenes are nice to watch, but it helps when you have more than just one of them.  This movie is a complete and utter mess of a suspense thriller.  Clive Owen delivers some of his worst that I’ve seen him do since he was contracted to just drive a car menacingly for BMW in some really long commercials. (review)

SEVEN – Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Kevin James stars in a spoof of Die Hard where he’s the one cop (wait, no… Mall Cop) left in the mall after a bunch of terrorists take it over to steal some money.  Seriously??? Spoofing Die Hard is not a good idea.  I love Die Hard, but it in itself is a fun enough spoof of action filled 80s films to be left alone.  I laugh everytime I see the dead terrorist with his sweater saying “Ho Ho Ho”.  (review)

SIX – Gamer

Yes I loved the one scene with Michael C. Hall in it dancing up a storm, but otherwise another movie that requires being placed into a deep dark cave, burned to bits and then forgotten completely.  Please, please, bring me that double barkeep. (review)

FIVE – Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li

So as most people may have noticed, how does a montage change a Chinese girl into a White woman?  Ahhh the wonders of horrible movie-making.  This movie may be a step up from when JCVD tried on the Street Fighter franchise, but this (like all others) should’ve remained in Japan as a videogame and anime alone. (review)

FOUR – Friday the 13th

Yes Jason Voorhees is back and he has a huge ass machete.  However, the movie didn’t look good to me in the 80s and it still isn’t good.  Leave all those random slaughters for the documentaries when I’ll actually feel something, here it’s just pints of corn-syrup and nothing more. (review)

THREE – Dragonball: Evolution

STOP IT!  When that thought pops into your head, please follow it.  I can only imagine the amount of times that though popped into the head of whoever decided to carry this property over from Japan and make it live action.  I remember being in High School and rushing home every afternoon to try and catch this on TV so I could talk about it wit my friends at school the next day.  Years past, I grew up, my balls descended and then I realised that this show was shit… the movie was worse. (review)

TWO – Jennifer’s Body

Megan Fox is not an actress.  Maybe if she were born in the 1900s and then became an actress while people were still watching silent movies and just needed a pretty face to keep you in the movie.  But even then I think she would be better suited for porn than some of the women in porn.  Diablo Cody lets me down (after Juno and The United States of Tara) with this utterly mess of a story I couldn’t help but want to physically hurt anyone who had anything to do with this movie. (review)

ONE – Transformers: The Revenge of the Fallen

Here comes the “I never knew robots could be racist” line again.  I don’t even want to remind myself of how much I wanted to donate everyone of my senses to a one of those people who were born without so they could experience something other than this mind torturing piece of shit which I heard all the fanboys swallow like it was some sort of treat.  Michael Bay needs to learn to control himself and not go insane with all of these visuals because I feel like he just fucked me in the ear, eye and brain just because he had more splosions to splode on screen. (review)

Honorable Mentions

Blood: The Last Vampire, Bridewars, I Love You Beth Cooper, The Informers, Management, Miss March, Next Day Air, Whatever Works, Whiteout, Year One.

SPECIAL BONUS AWARD – This Is It

This is not a movie, a documentary or a concert.  This is a cash grab that made me just angry at it and made me wish I could hate Michael Jackson’s music for it (but I can’t).  Please don’t watch this and please do not mate this like the best selling DVD when it comes out in the next few months.

So if you’ve read this far and have thought to yourself yes movies are all bad you should probably go and watch the movies that are on my Top Ten Movies of 2009 list to brighten your day.

So what’s the worst movie of 2009 for you?